Sara Sidle's Goodbye Letter to Gil Grissom

Sara Sidle's Goodbye Letter to Gil Grissom

Gil,

You know I love you. 

I feel I’ve loved you forever.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling very well.

Truth be told, I’m tired.

Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven’t been able to shake it.

Since my father died, I’ve spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We’ve been like close friends, and out there in the desert; it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them.

I can’t do that here. I’m so sorry.

No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I’m left with the feeling that … I have to go. I have no idea where I’m going, but I know I have to do this. If I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll self-destruct, and worse, you’ll be there to see it happen.

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I’ve ever really had. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I love you. I always will.

Goodbye.

CROSSROAD

CROSSROAD

I am in one.

In such situations, I find comfort in any of the following (aside from praying) – taking a long warm shower, eating ice cream or traveling. It depends on the complexity of the situation. My present “crossroad” needs the last of my list.

For quite a while now, I have been contemplating on a major decision I need to make for my life. It is a major decision as it could turn my life around; and maybe even the lives of the people close to me. I have been praying really hard. My ‘prayer request’ envelope in church would say the same thing week after week after week. I decided to pray for God to use a pre-planned travel to tell me what to do.

I went away with three awesome friends. I knew about the travel almost a month ahead but I have no idea where they were taking me. Although scared and wondering, I could not hide that there was excitement underneath; or maybe anticipation is a better term. It was the not-knowing that brought me closer to its mystery.

The travel was fun, scary and interesting all rolled into one but the travel details I will probably write about through a different blog entry. Given my purpose for the travel, I consciously made an effort to make sense of every single thing I did and tried to find out what message it tells me. There are moments when I would be so silent and unknowingly stare at something, or worse, at nothing. There will be moments that I would be so certain about what my decision will be and then those moments when my decision will change. One experience will contradict what I had learned from an experience before that. I got confused. My limited human knowledge could not understand any of it. I was waiting for signs or premonitions…yeah, call me crazy!

We left Manila Friday morning and went back Sunday noon. Guess what? I went home still undecided, standing before a crossroad. To be honest, there was a little disappointment when I left the place. Don’t get me wrong; the travel experience and the people I was with were awesome. I just somehow felt that I did not get what I intended to get in the first place.

I was tired and I wanted to take a nap on our way home. I did. The first time I closed my eyes, everything that happened flashed before my eyes – including the new experiences (things I never thought I would be able to do). I smiled. My heart smiled. I swear I felt it; that same smile comforted my weary mind. I may not know what to do but I was happy during the trip. I enjoyed every single minute of it. All of a sudden my mind was calm.

I got off the van and said my goodbyes to the people I was with. I wanted to hug them because there was so much gratefulness in my heart but I had to hurry. Walking to my next ride, I was alone and smiling. I can smell myself wearing my travel cologne. I was at peace. I got home, cleaned up and prepped to meet a friend for church. While waiting for the time, I laid on my bed and closed my eyes. Like a pouring rain, every single thing I did and experienced from that travel made sense and meaning. There were happy tears. I realized that the answer will not magically come to me thru a burning bush, or a lightning, or a talking fish under the sea, or a star formation or an angel. God can reveal Himself through the simplest most unexpected ways.

The answer? There was no answer. Not today.

God wants me to be still and know that He is God. He wants me to hold on, wait and keep my faith in Him. He wants to tell me that the answer will not come when I want it to come. It will come in His time. He does not want me to get the answer that time when I was desperately looking for it but He wants me to savor the moments of the travel and be happy about the experience. I looked back. Oh boy! I was overjoyed, overwhelmed and still star struck by the experience. I am just so glad that even though I was consumed by my quest to find an answer to my question, I still found joy in every moment of it.

I was busy finding the answer that I forgot my faith should be in Him and not on my faith. I forgot how He takes care of the fishes under the sea; that my God is more vast than the sea and that He can command over the big waves and the strong winds; that there is water even behind the darkness for those who are thirsty and are seeking for it; that His thoughts are higher than mine and even higher than any mountain. It’s funny how we sometimes rely too much on our own wisdom and ways and pretend to ourselves that we are trying to search for God’s will. When we rely too much on our own, we lose our chance to witness more of His miracles, His mysterious ways and surprises.

I am still on a crossroad. I still don’t know where to go and which to choose but I rest in the fact that my Father is in control and that soon enough I will know where to go. I know everything’s gonna be alright! EVERYTHING. 

My 25 Days of Gratitude

My 25 Days of Gratitude

Image from Victory Church

My Church launched its first Christmas event for the year last Dec. 1^st during the last Worship Night for 2011. We were encouraged to think of the people who have helped us in one way or another. Starting December 1^st , we will send a ‘Thank You” message or mention them on a Facebook  post or a tweet. On Twitter, we were asked to use hash tag #25daysofgratitude. Twenty-four expressions of appreciation to the people who have reached out and the last, of course, is for the source of all, God.

My own list is not necessarily in order. Although I wanted it to mention the ‘more’ special last (next to God); I realized it can’t really be in order. It’s difficult. All these people (and pets [now, that’s a clue!]) have been God’s instruments of blessings to me; so, this list is not necessarily in order. My heart is filled with gratitude and I pray that God keeps you all on His hand forever.

Day 1

The Project Tenfold Circle
December 1st

I feel so blessed to be part of this Circle. Not everyone gets to be given a chance to actually start an organization such as this. This was only a dream before and now it is real. I prayed and fasted for this last January (see related post My 10 in 7) and look at how God has responded to it. See our website and facebook.

I thank  you, Project Tenfold Circle. You give your time, your effort, your prayers and even your own money to help the needy. I am amazed by how you get to do this despite you busy schedule, tired bodies after work and with your own personal need for help. Sometimes, our tasks can even take your rest days and/or weekends away from you but you do it with such willingness and joy. My prayer every single day is for God to return everything to you TENFOLD. 

Day 2

Victory Pastors
December 2nd

Every Sunday I look forward to what God has for me thru the preaching of our good Pastors. Thank you to the pastors assigned to the services I go to - Ptr. Paolo Punzalan, Ptr. Carlos Antonio, Ptr. Jeff Eliscupidez, Ptr. Robert Hern Jr and the rest of the VCF and EN Pastors all over the world. 

Thank you for loving your wives and families dearly; for delivering lively and relevant messages; for being human and real; and for your heart to honor God and make disciples. God's messages thru you always 'ring' a reminder in a very timely manner. You hard work will never be put to waste. My prayer is for God to give you and your loved ones the strength and blessings you need. Please do not ever get tired doing what you do. THANK YOU. 

Day 3

SITEL
December 3rd

I have been working with SITEL for almost 6 years now. I started from scratch and was given an opportunity to do what is close to my heart - to teach. Thank you SITEL for this awesome job and the chance to do what I love to do; the opportunities you gave me - travel, meet new people and to represent you in so many ways; for the family I found in you - one reason I can't leave you is the fear that I may not be able to find the kind of family I found in you from other companies; and most of all, for the trust, the respect and for the good name you helped me build. I have never worked for a company who looks at and talks of me the way that you do. I have recently mentioned to a friend that, more than the award, I am amazed and humbled by the way you treat me and believe in what I can do.


Thank you, too, for being so accepting and supportive of Project Tenfold Circle. My prayer is for God to bless you more each day.

Day 4

Peter
December 4th

I practically grew up in Church. At a very young age, I was already leading a Youth Group.  I grew older and, unfortunately, not wiser. I left Church. For 8 long years I lived my life only for myself but God works in mysterious ways. I was called in the most unexpected place, most unexpected situation and thru the most unexpected person.

Thank you Peter for a million things. On top of all I am grateful to you for being God's instrument in bringing me back to Church; for bringing back the qualities I thought I lost; for making me accept my past and look forward to the future; for teaching me Photography and being a prayer buddy. My prayer is for God to continue to bless you and your whole family everyday and for Him to direct you as you start your own. 

Day 5

Maxee & Champ
December 5th

Maxee was a little, dirty, thin Siamese kitten rescued off the streets; now, she is a queen. Champ is a Puspin (native Filipino cat) who nearly died if we had not adopted him from PAWS; now, a charmer to anyone he meets. I thought I rescued and adopted these cats but it was the other way around. I was rescued and adopted.

Thank you Maxee and Champ for the unconditional love and loyalty. You taught me how to love beyond species. If I could care and love for you both dearly even at your most unlovable state, I know I could have the capacity to love the whole world. All the efforts and parades I do for the welfare of the animals are because of what you have given me and let me experience. One will not really understand the meaning of 'love' if one has not experienced it from an animal. My prayer is for you both to stay healthy. If that dreadful time comes that I have to go before you, I pray that you go to a human that can love you more than I can. If you leave me first, I pray that I may be able to understand faster and that I will have the courage to save another cat/dog's life in your name. 

Day 6

My Nicaragua Family
December 6th

Who would have thought I would get to travel to Nicaragua, Central America. Whenever I say that, people would always ask 'where?'; then I can no longer stop talking. I assure you, you will fall in love with the place just by reading this.

In Nicaragua, my life changed dramatically. I have done so many things in this country that I never thought I could do. It has magically brought me back time literally and figuratively. It felt like it brought me to who I really am and prepared me to face the future. They call me 'The Girl from the Future'. The people love so warmly that being away from feels like a heartbreak. I rediscovered myself in so many ways and I have been to so many of their beautiful places.

I also had the pleasure of coming back for a second trip. I didn’t know it was for something greater, something more than a travel, something more than rediscovering myself. It brought me back to church. God works in mysterious ways. He gave me a gift in the most unexpected place, in the most unexpected time zone, in the most unexpected language, from the most unexpected people – Nicaragua. “Every good and perfect gift is from the Father. Every blessing we receive shows that God cares about us.” (James 1:17)

Friends often wonder why I love my Nicaragua family so much. My mind would always almost automatically say 'You should have seen the way they have treated me every minute I was there and you would not need an explanation'. Thank you Nicaragua, for all the magical things God has let me discover thru you.

To my Nicaragua family, I don't know if I will ever see you again but whether the answer to that is a 'yes' or a 'no' or a 'maybe'; my prayer is for God to keep you all safe and sound every single day. I will forever be a FILAGUAN. You are my second home!

Day 7

Kristine, Anna & Ella
December 7th

Thank you Kristine and Anna for coming into our family. Thank you for taking care of my two brothers, Dennis and Nikki, respectively. They can be difficult to handle sometimes (haha!) but I assure you they are good men. My prayer is for God to bless you and give you the wisdom to be good wives and that you stay pretty, healthy and happy all the time.


Thank you Ella for bringing joy into the family. You grow up so fast and is getting prettier every day. My prayer is for you to grow up with the fear of the Lord, health, and wisdom.

Day 8

Bryce Kiguchi
December 8th

I love to write but have always kept my work to myself. I stopped writing for 8 years. Three years ago, something happened and it triggered my wanting to write again.

Thank you Bryce, not just for being like a younger brother; but more so for pushing me to have my own blog and helping me set it up. Now, I have an avenue for my thoughts, my testimonies about God's goodness, my animal welfare advocacy, my photography attempts, my sweet-nothings and an avenue to showcase the people I honor. If you didn't push me to do this, I would not have even posted this. I was never after counting the number of people who drop by my blog but really more after what the readers get from it; but today I will count to prove a point. As of writing, I have 4, 419 visitors and I will be more than grateful if at least half of them has been touched and influenced by what they have read. 

My prayer is for God to bless you and your family more. May you always find joy in all the things that you do and for your blogs to grow and grow and grow! Here's the link to his blog.

Day 9

Nyree Belen
December 9th

Through God's grace I become a very strong person. I was told many times that I come across as someone who can take care of everyone. I always say that I have the capacity to love the whole world. However, even the strongest on earth is going to need God and people who will take care of him/her. I need a spiritual family who will pray with me and for me.

Thank you Nyree for being that person. We rarely see each other, we seldom talk but every time we do thru text messages and short chats, i always feel encouraged after. Our Bible verses and prayers definitely keep me going. 

My prayer is for God to continue to direct your ways and bless all your actions as you move on to a new kind of life. Be aware that as you take care of me, I will do the same for you. I will always pray for you and with you. Thank you, too, for the amazing support you are giving to our Project Tenfold. It is our honor to have you as part of this Circle...and oh! I can't wait to see you later.

Day 10

Janine, Trisha, Che & Nerie
December 10th

I always say that friends are friends whether near or far. I may not have all the riches in the world but I am so blessed to have good friends wherever I go. We may have parted ways and rarely see each other but I know that I know that whatever happens, all I need is to call and you will be with me. Thank you to each of you for what you have done for me.

My prayer is for God to keep you safe always, shower you with His blessings and for Him to give you the desires of your heart according to His will. Missing each of you.

Day 11

OC Crew
December 11th

We don't make friends; friends become. It just happens. You are all brought in one place and it happens.  This is how OC Crew came to be. I have always felt special with these men. It's nice to be around good looking men and be treated like a princess. Ha! Thank you for everything - the non-sense stories, the text messages, the late night calls, for making my stay away from home a little bearable by constantly communicating with me even if I am away, for dropping me off the airport for Nica, for learning my camera with me, for being my first photo models, for helping me move, for being who you all are.


My prayer is for God to bless you as you all go thru your own lives now and that you will never forget me and our friendship. 

Day 12

Project Tenfold Supporters
December 12th

Leading a compassion group ain't easy especially when you start with nothing and when you don' really get constant financial support from anyone. For every project and cause, you have to find ways to fund it. It is in these times that God's faithfulness manifests. From nowhere donations will pour, the right amount of money (sometimes more) will be provided and manpower will be complete.

To all the supporters of Tenfold, it is not your obligation to extend a hand and yet you always do and for that I pray that God returns these things to you a thousandfold.

Day 13

Philnee Duran
December 13th

I grew up with four younger brothers and have always wanted a sister. I did not get one by blood but I got a million in many different ways.

Phil is one of them. Thank you for being one. Thank you because, at one point in your life, you have trusted me not just with your whole story but with your life. Thank you for being strong and real at the same time. 

My prayer is for God to continue to strengthen your heart as you go through every day and that He allows you to continue being a blessing to others. I know in my heart that you are one of the few who will stay with me doing Tenfold even when our heads turn grey. I love you Sister!

Day 14

Jem Aznar
December 14th

As mentioned above; yes! I grew up with four younger brothers and have always wanted a sister BUT I also wanted to have an older brother. I remember borrowing other people's brother just to have one. I would write letters to them asking if they can be my brother.

I still want one. Jem, you are one of them. Although ( I bet you want this clarified, ha!) I am (a little bit ;) older than you, I still respect you like a friend and an older brother. Thank you for trusting me with almost everything (anything left?) about your life and more; for being my best friend (you already committed to being my 'best man' or 'bride's best guy friend' or something like that on my wedding day) and for taking care of me every time you get a chance to. You are probably not used to doing this but I appreciate it. My man (whoever he will be) needs to accept that you are part of my story and everything else that goes with your own stories. Haha! 

My prayer is for God to direct your ways every day and every chance you make a decision. I pray that you do not leave God's Hands because that's the only place where you should be. 

Day 15

My 2011 Travel Buddies
December 15th

Believe it or not, part of my faith goals for 2011 was to make it a year of travel to my own country. And boy, it was given to me! This year, I've been to Sagada, Benguet, Zambales, Cebu, Legazpi, Naga, and visited Baguio, La Union and Batangas for the nth time. This was also the year I have experienced a few of the most exciting adventures of my life like trekking, spelunking, rock climbing, wakeboarding, planking, owling and snorkling. I have been to places I only dreamed of going.


To all my 2011 travel buddies, you know who you are. My life became colorful this year because of all the travels with you. What makes it more special is the fact that they were all in our own country. My prayer is God to continue to give us the chance, the strength and the resources to travel more this coming 2012. The travel year does not need this year, it moves on to 2012. Attraversiamo!

Day 16

My Classes
December 16th

I am glad God made me a teacher. I am glad He placed exactly where I should be. My passion for teaching burns every day and no one can take that away from me. Remove me from the classroom and I'll probably die. 


It was also a privilege to become friends with my former students/trainees (both from the academe and the call center). I guess a teacher can get 5 times as many friends as the others. After a class, we instantly get new sets of people to enjoy life with. A lot of my former students/trainees have made me so proud of what they have accomplished. Some probably earn 10x more than I do and that is really awesome. 


My prayer is for God to bless you more each day, that He gives you all the strength to live life and that we all NEVER stop learning. LEARNING is FUN!

Day 17

Ate Baby Peralta
December 17th

Who gets a landlady who also becomes a mom to you? Not everyone! You have kept me for almost 7 years. You have thought of what's best of me in every chance you got. If it wasn't necessary for me to move out, I would have stayed longer because I really feel safe inside your home.


My prayer is for God to keep your whole family safe; for your children and grandchildren to grow up the way you want them to and for your home to be protected by God's grace.

Day 18

Dan & Friends
December 18th

I thought my travels for 2011 were over when December came. Thinking of how busy work and Project Tenfold is going to be, I did not make any plans anymore but Dan & friends came along. My 2011 travel ended with a loud BANG!


Thank you for the chance to join you in 'that' trip. It came the most perfect time in my life - just when I needed it. It humbled my heart to the sovereign power of the Divine. WATER is my 'waterloo'. I have always said and I'll probably say that again many times. I have so much respect for bodies of water that I tremble when I experience it. I always get humbled by it. It never fails to make me realize how small I am in this universe and that I should be humble and know my worth and the worth of other creations. This travel brought me into a whole new different level that both scares and excites me in equal measure. 


My prayer is for God to allow me to have that chance to travel with you all again in the future and that He gives you all more chances to explore His creations.

Day 19

Denver Llante
December 19th

Denver had a major fight when we were younger. I was adjusting to my new life as a working individual who is also forced to stay away from home during weekdays while working and he was adjusting to his adolescence. See the picture? We had a fight that lasted for two or three years. It was petty but it was deep since we don't fight at home. Well nobody fights me because I guess I'm the eldest and the only girl in the family. 


We just reconciled. I don't know how exactly but we did. One thing I am sure of is that he made the first move. I never thought that he would be the one whom I am going to tell a few of my secrets to. Other than that, he has made countless errands for me - take care of my pets when I am away, fix my computer problems, update the anti-virus applications, edit my videos, download whatever, buy me food, load etc. I cannot imagine life without him.


My prayer is for God to keep you safe always, bless you more, help you find the job you really want and enjoy doing, someone to take care of you and for you to be healthy always.

Day 20

Tita Maria
December 20th

She forgot to take care of herself because she wanted so much to take of us. She has given so much of her time and energy to ensure we all grow up the way we should - that's mu auntie we call 'TITA'. Life without her was unimaginable. She does everything for us and treated us we were her own kids. From taking care of pets, to cleaning my house, to doing my laundry and every chance she could get to help.


My prayer is for God to reward you. I don't know how because you seem not to want anything at all. May He keep you safe and healthy all the time.

Day 21

MPNAG
December 21st

I have worked for the academe for 8 years (two different schools) and I am who I am and I can do what I can do because I got the practice from these schools. Thank you for everything - the chance to practice, the trust you have shown in me which boosted the my confidence in myself, the pains & failures which made me stronger.


My prayer is for God to bless you all in what you do. Teaching is a noble profession even if already sounds cliche. We must all remember that not everyone is GIFTED to teach. Being smart does not make one able to teach.

Day 22

Training Team
December 22nd

I am blessed to have been given a chance to work with a pool of the most talented people in call center setting - the TRAINERS. From the time I started until the present I am still in awe watching these people work and think.  To all who have worked with me from Team Jasper, to Team Ram, to Team Will, to Team Tina, to Team Taz, to Team Haydee and Team Chikki; also to Team Sabas, to Team Laura (of Nicaragua); and Team Bianca to Team Tyrone (of Baguio). You all are the best people to work with. I feel the pride.


Although some of you have chosen a different path now, my prayer is for God to guide you always in all the decisions you make and that He continue to nourish that 'teaching' gift He gave you. 

Day 23

Dennis Llante
December 23rd

I can write a novel of how we were when we were kids. In fact I was able to write a long letter just before he got married. He was my first best friend and probably my first enemy too *winks. For three years, he was the only one I have then.


Thank you for being a good brother to me and a good son to our parents. Thank you for taking over my job as the 'sister' while I was away from home. Thank you for endlessly praying that I get back to God. Thank you for accepting my past and for being hopeful about my future. Thank you for realizing my own dreams that I can no longer do but you can and seeing you do it makes me feel I have done it too - playing the guitar, sketching, being good in Math and being love with the sky. Well, I got a few of the Photography blessings! 

My prayer is for God to give you the desires of your heart because I know all you desire is to please Him. May He bless you and Kristine all the time; showering you with provision and safety and peace of mind.

Day 24

Tatay & Nanay
December 24th

To all my friends, you love who I am only because I was raised by two good people who have hurdled all kinds of storms just to give me a good God-fearing life. Life was difficult for us. I wasn't born rich with money but I am glad of where and from whom I came. Everything that you loved about me is not from me they are from my parents. 

Tatay and Nanay, my prayer is for God to bless you even more every day as you age with us. I am so sorry for those times that I made you worried about me. God made you strong because you never gave up on me. 

Nanay, thank you for best 'pritong galunggong' and 'bagoong' in the world. Thank you for being the best COOK. You cook so well that it scared me to try to learn and reach the bar you have set. Thank you for the endless care. Thank you for pushing me to study hard because it is something that you learned from your past. Thank you for always giving me the time to study when I was a kid. Thank you for being tough and strong because now I am too. Thank you for being so generous that I learned to give too. I saw you share our food with our neighbors who have less even if we don't have enough. I value GIVING because I saw it from you first.

Tatay, thank you for not giving up on Nanay when she was struggling with a lot of things when I was old (or young) enough to understand. You have constantly reminded me to try to understand what she was going through. You taught me PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING in the real sense of those words. You did not lecture instead you showed the way. You did not give up your faith in God despite all, so now He gave you your reward - we, your children, will never be astray and no matter how many times we get lost we will always find our way back to Him. Thank you for all the clothes you tailored for me. You know exactly how make my day. I hope I can still give you that chance to tailor my wedding gown for me. I know you really like that to happen. Thank you for teaching us to make wise decisions, for teaching us how to pray by being an example, for showing us which are more important than money and holding your family like how a real man of God should.

My prayer for you both is for God to keep you on His hands always, bless everything you do and to give you the peace of mind this world cannot give.

Day 25

JESUS
December 25th

After writing all these 24 reasons to be grateful, I cannot even begin to thank You. You are so faithful in every way. Your grace is overwhelming. I do not deserve any of this. 

Thank you Jesus for coming into my life and for saving me and my family. Thank you because you came to this world to live among us and die for us. You are the reason we get to celebrate this season.

Please do not ever allow me to be away from You again. Life without You is unbearable pain that I sugarcoat with a lot of excuses and logic. Do not let me go astray. Do not leave me nor forsake me. I rely on You and You alone. Nothing of what I can do and will do is possible without You. In fact, without You I am NOTHING. 

Teach me how to make decisions everyday - from the color of the clothes I will wear, to which cab I should call, to the words I will speak, to where I should go, to the food I should eat, to the man I should be with, to the way I should think, to the things I should pray for and to every single choice I make. Be my EVERYTHING. May my life be pleasing to Your eyes that I may glorify You in every thing that I do.

-End-

GLORIA AL DIOS!