CROSSROAD

CROSSROAD

I am in one.

In such situations, I find comfort in any of the following (aside from praying) – taking a long warm shower, eating ice cream or traveling. It depends on the complexity of the situation. My present “crossroad” needs the last of my list.

For quite a while now, I have been contemplating on a major decision I need to make for my life. It is a major decision as it could turn my life around; and maybe even the lives of the people close to me. I have been praying really hard. My ‘prayer request’ envelope in church would say the same thing week after week after week. I decided to pray for God to use a pre-planned travel to tell me what to do.

I went away with three awesome friends. I knew about the travel almost a month ahead but I have no idea where they were taking me. Although scared and wondering, I could not hide that there was excitement underneath; or maybe anticipation is a better term. It was the not-knowing that brought me closer to its mystery.

The travel was fun, scary and interesting all rolled into one but the travel details I will probably write about through a different blog entry. Given my purpose for the travel, I consciously made an effort to make sense of every single thing I did and tried to find out what message it tells me. There are moments when I would be so silent and unknowingly stare at something, or worse, at nothing. There will be moments that I would be so certain about what my decision will be and then those moments when my decision will change. One experience will contradict what I had learned from an experience before that. I got confused. My limited human knowledge could not understand any of it. I was waiting for signs or premonitions…yeah, call me crazy!

We left Manila Friday morning and went back Sunday noon. Guess what? I went home still undecided, standing before a crossroad. To be honest, there was a little disappointment when I left the place. Don’t get me wrong; the travel experience and the people I was with were awesome. I just somehow felt that I did not get what I intended to get in the first place.

I was tired and I wanted to take a nap on our way home. I did. The first time I closed my eyes, everything that happened flashed before my eyes – including the new experiences (things I never thought I would be able to do). I smiled. My heart smiled. I swear I felt it; that same smile comforted my weary mind. I may not know what to do but I was happy during the trip. I enjoyed every single minute of it. All of a sudden my mind was calm.

I got off the van and said my goodbyes to the people I was with. I wanted to hug them because there was so much gratefulness in my heart but I had to hurry. Walking to my next ride, I was alone and smiling. I can smell myself wearing my travel cologne. I was at peace. I got home, cleaned up and prepped to meet a friend for church. While waiting for the time, I laid on my bed and closed my eyes. Like a pouring rain, every single thing I did and experienced from that travel made sense and meaning. There were happy tears. I realized that the answer will not magically come to me thru a burning bush, or a lightning, or a talking fish under the sea, or a star formation or an angel. God can reveal Himself through the simplest most unexpected ways.

The answer? There was no answer. Not today.

God wants me to be still and know that He is God. He wants me to hold on, wait and keep my faith in Him. He wants to tell me that the answer will not come when I want it to come. It will come in His time. He does not want me to get the answer that time when I was desperately looking for it but He wants me to savor the moments of the travel and be happy about the experience. I looked back. Oh boy! I was overjoyed, overwhelmed and still star struck by the experience. I am just so glad that even though I was consumed by my quest to find an answer to my question, I still found joy in every moment of it.

I was busy finding the answer that I forgot my faith should be in Him and not on my faith. I forgot how He takes care of the fishes under the sea; that my God is more vast than the sea and that He can command over the big waves and the strong winds; that there is water even behind the darkness for those who are thirsty and are seeking for it; that His thoughts are higher than mine and even higher than any mountain. It’s funny how we sometimes rely too much on our own wisdom and ways and pretend to ourselves that we are trying to search for God’s will. When we rely too much on our own, we lose our chance to witness more of His miracles, His mysterious ways and surprises.

I am still on a crossroad. I still don’t know where to go and which to choose but I rest in the fact that my Father is in control and that soon enough I will know where to go. I know everything’s gonna be alright! EVERYTHING.